Lets share jokes amongst ourselves

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Offline §ãJ¡Ð ساجد

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #15 on: December 27, 2006, 06:00:22 AM »
:lmao2

Hi Andy!

Looks like you had a real good time this holiday!

Enjoy your time!

Take care, Peace!
اَسّلامُ علیکم Peace be Upon you
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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2006, 03:08:44 PM »
This is funny.........
 
 
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2006, 03:10:31 PM »
Tequila Christmas Cake
 
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice
4 large eggs Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
 
Sample the tequila to check quality.  Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.  To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of sugar.  Beat again.
 
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.  Try another cup ... just in case.  Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
 
Next, sift two cups of salt.  Or something.  Check the tequila.  Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.  Whatever you can find.  Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
 
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.  CHERRY MISTMAS!
 
 
   
 



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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2006, 03:13:30 PM »
A Loving Husband...




A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.   
 
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend  only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."




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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2006, 03:14:59 PM »
Why, Why, Why
>>
>>     Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
>>are getting weak?
>>
>>     Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
>>there is not enough?
>>
>>     Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>>stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>>
>>     Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>>
>>     Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>>
>>     Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>>
>>     Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
>>throw a revolver at him?
>>
>>     Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>>
>>     Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>>
>>     If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>>
>>     Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
>>are always white?
>>
>>     Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>>
>>     Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
>>something new to eat will have materialized?
>>
>>     Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
>>vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down
>>to give the vacuum one more chance?
>>
>>     Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
>>try?
>>
>>     How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>>
>>     When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
>>shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
>>right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
>>stupid idiot?"
>>
>>     Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
>>off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>>
>>     In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
>>when we complained about the heat?
>>
>>     How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>>
>>     And my FAVORITE.....
>>
>>     The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
>>suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
>>friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
>>
>>
>>
>>

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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #20 on: December 27, 2006, 03:16:12 PM »
SEX ON THE FENCE
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember  the first time we had sex together over fifty years  ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the  back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes,  she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking  a stroll around there again and we can do it for old  time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like  a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the  next booth listening to all  this, and having a chuckle to  himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers  having sex against a fence.  I'll  just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."   
So he  follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other  for support aided  by walking  sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their  way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and  the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the  fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most  furious sex that the watching policeman has ever  seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud  noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,  panting on the  ground.

The policeman is  amazed. He thinks he has learned something about  life and  old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of  lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their  feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still  watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to  ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was  something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #21 on: December 27, 2006, 03:18:03 PM »
Honeymoon at Home

Bob and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Bob's
Mom and Dad's for their first night  together.

In the morning, Johnny, Bob's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.  As he is
going out  of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Bob and Mary are up  yet.

She replies,  "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I  think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear  what you think!  Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"

She replies,  "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I  think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!  Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,  "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"

His mom says,  "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I  think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Bob came to  my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my
airplane glue."


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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #22 on: December 27, 2006, 03:18:35 PM »
A woman walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes grew big and he said, "Lord, have mercy --
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose
my  license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now,
you didn't tell me you had a prescription."


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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2006, 03:19:39 PM »
>>For  all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
>>Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage,
>>WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get
>>a little sausage.
>>
>>Men  are like....
>>
>>1. Men are  like ...Laxatives  ..... They  irritate the crap out of you.
>>2. Men are like.Bananas .......  The older they get, the less firm they
>>are.
>>3. Men are like  ......Weather .  Nothing can be done to change them.
>>4. Men are like Blenders  You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
>>5. Men are like  .....Chocolate Bars  .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
>>head right for your hips.
>>6. Men  are like ...Commercials  ....... You can't believe a word they
>>say.
>>7. Men are like Department  Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
>>8. Men  are like .....Government Bonds  ... They take soooooooo long to
>>mature.
>>9. Men are like  .....Mascara . They usually  run at the first sign of
>>emotion.
>>10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy  you, but only for a little
>>while.
>>11. Men are like Snowstorms  .... You never know when they're coming, how
>>many inches you'll get or how long  it will last.
>>12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps  .... Fun to look at, but not very
>>bright.
>>13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken,  the rest
>>are handicapped.
>>

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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #24 on: December 27, 2006, 03:20:15 PM »
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need
 to shut up.
 
FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes
if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.
 
NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".
 
GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
 
LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood
 by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
he is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
 
THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
 "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome

 
WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #25 on: December 27, 2006, 03:21:07 PM »
The Code:

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

President Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
                                 370H-SSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it sent to the CIA, then to NASA.  Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

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Offline Christine Mary

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #26 on: December 27, 2006, 03:21:55 PM »
A story from an engaged man:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
Dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me . it was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
Wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that She had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.



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Kathy11

Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #27 on: December 27, 2006, 10:11:23 PM »
John gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.

"Dad so what do I do first?"

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed"

5 minutes later John is on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing,

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes John is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His father's patience is now running out so he says,

"Shit son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!!

"Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again.

"OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!"
 
 

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Offline KHALIFA

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #28 on: December 27, 2006, 11:29:25 PM »
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl Kathy11 
        i think every body get drunk now  :rotfl
    i have somthing also
  a man who is 90 years old get married from 20 years old girl ,in the first night he ask her what we should do now ?  :huh she said i don't know  :dunno i have no experiance ,, the old man replay what a problem i did for my self this girl she don't know what we should do now and i forget what i have to do now  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

                                           khalifa
                                     state of kuwait
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Offline LWSpevack

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Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
« Reply #29 on: December 28, 2006, 02:36:56 AM »
Okay ... Count me in.  The world could use a laugh or two or three or four ... See what ya's think...


A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked on the old wooden front door.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the  twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two and the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're  twenty-four .... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins  EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."
If you don't live for something ... you'll die for nothing.

 

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