Lets share jokes amongst ourselves

And...


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf.  It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.  The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.  The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."  That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
 
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
 
The Attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  ...Having a Christmas party Friday night...  Thought you might like to come.  About 5:00."

Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you...  There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom.  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  "More 'n' likely, gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.  I'll be  there.  Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.  "I've been all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want.  Just gonna be the two of us."

  LWSpevack  very funny joikes.
 

Hey Kathy!!!  We'll keep going then...

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
 
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied,  " This is my property,  and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Minnesota and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Minnesota?  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Gofer Three Kick Rule '."
 
The lawyer asked,  " What's that ?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal flushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.  Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.  You can have the duck."

LWSpevack,  another good one    
Thanks for the laughter that the jokes brings.
Kathy

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.  He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.  I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.  The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the center of his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No.  But I've always wanted to."

Don't mess with old folks!

  Very funny.   

>*Little Leroy** *
>
>
>*Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
>His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
>his Mother what he wanted.
>
>"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." *
>
>*Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at
>school and at home. *
>
>*Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
>his birthday. "Of course", he said. *
>
>*
>Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
>behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about
>how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him
>why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
>
>Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
>a letter.
>
>Letter 1
>Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
>for my birthday. I want a red one.
>Your friend, Leroy.
>
>Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year,
>so he tore it up and started over.
>
>Letter 2
>Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for
>my birthday. Leroy. *
>
>*Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote
>a third letter.
>
>Letter 3
>Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
>will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
>Thank you, Leroy.
>
>Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went
>downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church.
>
>She thought her plan had worked.
>
>** **"** **Just be home for dinner," she told him. *
>
>*Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.  He went to
>the altar. *
>
>*Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and
>picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
>
>He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home.
>He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his letter to
>God.
>
>Letter 4
>Dear God,
>
>I got your mama.
>
>If you want to see her again, send the bike.
>Signed, You know who*
>
>

  Good One...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women.  As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.  When I shower, I think about women.  When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.  It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is
waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no
room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over,
such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Oh My !!!!!!!

    

           

These are hilarious!   

Got this in email and thought I'd share.  Please don't yell at me.   

:backingout

---

George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

• Ran for congress and lost.
• Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
• Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
• With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

• Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
• Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• Set record for most executions by any governor in American history. 
• Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

• Attacked and took over two countries.
• Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
• After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
• In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
• Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
• Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
• Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
• Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
• Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
• My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
• Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
• First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
• Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
• First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
• Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
• Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
• Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
• Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
• Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
• First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
• All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
• My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
• Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
• First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
• First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
• With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
• Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
• Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
• Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
• Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
• In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
• Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
• In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
• Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

• At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
• AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
• Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
• For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)