Lets share jokes amongst ourselves

*HOW TO STAY MARRIED*

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.  When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.  He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods;

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  And I don't know how to crochet.  Amen

That was hysterical, Christine.   

I have one for you guys ...   

---

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist".

That's when the proctologist fainted.

LMAO!!!!!!!!!

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day.
    Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of
    money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

 

     Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
    and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic
    cord, insurance, etc.
     They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

 

    As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins
    to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work
    When they had finished, there was such a crowd they
    thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice
    jumps.
     She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes
    back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

 

    Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she
    falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

 

     This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

 

     Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces
    back up.

 

    This time she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
     Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,
    What happened? Was the cord too long?"
     Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was
    fine. It was the crowd. What in the hell is a piñata?!"

 

 

    

Danielle and Christine you were great.

ESCAPED CONVICT


A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.   
 
 He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
 
 Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to chair.   
 
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.   
 
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
     
 "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot  of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he hurts you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.  Be strong, honey. I love you!"
   
 His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
 He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.   I told him it was in the bathroom.     
 
 Be strong honey. I love you, too."

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.  Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

I hope you haven't heard this one yet and does not offend anyone.
---------------------------
3 Guys were going through a Jungle. One of them was an American, one was an Englishman and the third one was a Frenchman.

They got captured by Cannibals and asked the chief what they were going to do with them.

The chief replied, "We will eat your flesh, make tools with your bones and most importantly make canoes out of your skins."

The chief continued, "Since you are going to die anyway, I will let you choose your own preferred method of death."

The Englishman took out his pistol and placed it besides his head and hailed: "Long Live The Queen!" and pressed the trigger.

The Frenchman climbed a tree. He then took out a rope and tied one end to a branch, made a noose out of the other end and put his head through. Then he hailed: "Viv La France!", jumped off the branch and hung himself.

The American took out a sharp fork and started stabbing throughout his body until he was badly bruised and bleeding.

The Chief exclaimed, "Stop! why have you chosen such a painful and useless method of death!"

The American gathered himself up and looked straight in the eyes of the cannibal chief and said, "What do ya think of your canoe now!?"

Sajid, are you sure that American was not Mr. Bush?

    

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however,
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her
friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with
that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and
said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home
with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came
back with a card stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.' "

  

Good ol' George W sings "Sunday Bloody Sunday" watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p13g9nYLSPM



Take care, Peace!

Lawyers


The United Way realised that it had never received a donation from the  city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show  you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my> sister's husband died in  dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities  requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep,  completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I don't give any money to any of them, what  makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Since it's Valentines day, I thought of sharing one joke about it.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

lol sajid! that was great