Lets share jokes amongst ourselves

Tempers running high here, lets cool down and share some jokes. I go first.....

Joke 1

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


Real Life Joke

Now this joke actually happened to me in real life, last year I was working for a life insurance company in an actuarial department, some of you who don't know actuarial work revolves around mortality and morbidity issues (sometimes).

My three year old daughter was asked "What does your dad do" She said "My dad counts dead people"...... I could not believe since only once I tried to explain to her my occupation.

Regards

Hi
     good joke
              i have one also a bout the airline and pilot(as i am a pilot  )
   after the pilot take of the airplane he start to welcoming the passengers suddenly he start screeming (OH ,OH MY GOD OH NO ) and after that akiller silince after a wihile the pilot start to speak to the passengers am sorry but if you know what happened ,,the hot mug of coffe fall down on my pants if you see what happened to my pants from the front ,,,imediatly one of the passengers stand up and he told him go to the hell you and your pant come and see what happened to our pants from the BACK ....   
                khalifa
        state of kuwait

I like the jokes its funny .
Thank-you for sharing.
kathy.

Two peanuts were walking down an alley.....




ONE WAS A SALTED!!!!!!! 

Tempers running high here, lets cool down and share some jokes. I go first.....

What? How? Who?

Oh.... Actually it's not that what you're thinking.
We, were just having a "Healthy debate" and like in all debates there has to be a disagreement which requires the discussion otherwise it wouldn't be a debate! Am I making any sense?

Like Kathy pointed out, we are like a family and everyone still loves each other no matter what. So, no hard feelings on my part. I want Peace with everyone!

@topic

I luvd all jokes that have been posted so far. Let's see if mine is worth a chuckle.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Take care, Peace!

We, were just having a "Healthy debate" and like in all debates there has to be a disagreement which requires the discussion otherwise it wouldn't be a debate! Am I making any sense?

Like Kathy pointed out, we are like a family and everyone still loves each other no matter what. So, no hard feelings on my part. I want Peace with everyone!

I too agree with Sajid and Kathy. NO HARD FEELINGS, BUT APPRECIATION TO EVERYONE IS TRYING TO ADVICE THE OTHER
___________________________________________________________________________
Anyway, i love all the jokes and i too love the following one, so share it with me though its long.

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even
though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you

 

 too funny sajid and manal!!!!!!!!!

Hello everyone

Manal and sajid  good one   I couldnt stop laughing   
Thank-you for brightening my morning .
Khalifa
 Thank-you too .I will pay attention to your suggestion and it was good that you persevere with your sons care , now you both has a good result.I am happy that there is hope for thal patient, out there,especially for the youth.
It nice to have you all in my life thank-you for being there.
Kathy.

 

Hi Kathy
      i just want t say

       

                    ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE                                                             KHALIFA
                                                     STATE OF KUWAIT
               

  Thanks for the jokes - they are so funny! I love them. It's a good addition to the site. Keep it up! I don't have any right now, but I'll be looking. Thanks for giving me some laughs. Jean

Canadian also called Canuk, so here is another one..... Something tells me this is true

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

So Much Truth to this one


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS


40-ish..................................49.


Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.


Athletic................................No breasts.


Average looking.....................Moooo.


Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.


Emotionally Secure..................On medication.


Feminist...............................Fat.


Free Spirit.............................Junkie.


Friendship first.......................Former Slut.


New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.


Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s


Open-minded.........................Desperate.


Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.


Professional...........................Bitch.


Voluptuous...........................Very fat.


Large frame...........................Hugely fat.


Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.





DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:


Yes.....................................No


No......................................Yes


Maybe.................................No


We need...............................I want


I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry


We need to talk......................You're in trouble


Sure, go ahead........................You better not


Do what you want...................You will pay for this later


I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!


You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?





DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:


I am hungry...........................I am hungry


I am sleepy............................I am sleepy


I am tired..............................I am tired


Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!


I love you..............................Let's have sex now


I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?


May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.


Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.


Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.


Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.


I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men
 

  HI
        the last joke i meet is :
   When my father before 15 days he fall down with heart attack i took him to hospital verey fast,, when i reach the hospital they take him to the emergency room i found the nurse put for him an IV the Dr try to check his heart emedeatly i make short breafe to the Dr suddenly my father start to loose his movement he look like he will be in a coma i notice the Dr he was verey calm and the IV in his arm so i shout to the nurse to bring 5 ML of valiume to calm him down because the O2 was 50% heart beat very high BP high the nurse gave it to me i was waiting the Dr to take it from me but he was confused he look like don't know what he should do without any waiting i gave  my father the valiume by IV and i called the ICU Dr he came verey fast he insert the air tupe in his mouth with NS drip my father he calm down and every thing start to be normal after ten minute ....what make me laughing    and mad  in the same time that confused Dr he ask me (PLS Dr WHICH HOSPITAL YOU ARE WORKING YOU TOOK GOOD ACTION,, AND WHO IS HE THAT MAN YOU SAFE HIS LIFE ) i told him first am not Dr second that man who i safe his life is my father third thing i wish to know from which college you get your degree  i remembare my mother call me i went to her but when i turn my face to the position of the Dr i couldn't see him he just ran a way because he saw me with my brothers really want to give him good bunching 
                               
                                                khalifa
                                        state of kuwait 

Andy,

I cannot stop laughing      , your post is the best dictionary I ever saw. It is going on my personal diary.

Regards