Relationship with Thalassemia Major

Hello All,

I am new to this forum, so maybe I am posting this question in the wrong forum. Moderators can move this thread on to the correct forum if it's in the wrong one.

So yes, I am Aayush from India. I have been in a relationship with a girl with Thalassemia Major for the past year or so. I love her a lot, and want to spend my life with her. There are some things which I require urgent advice with, I hope all my friends that are all of you people reading this will help me.

So my FIRST problem is, I do not want my parents to demotivate her of her health or say anything to her which hurts her emotionally. My for most aim is to marry her without telling my parents. I don't care if after our marriage, my parents get to know of her health problem as I would not be living with my parents after my marriage.
So please advice me that whether I'll be doing the right thing if I marry her considering the above situations? For more hint, you may take that If I tell my parents that she has Thalassemia Major, they would not allow us to get married.

SECONDLY problem is, that I want to know that if we plan to have kids after our marriage are there any chances that our kids would have Thalassemia Traits at any stage whether Major, Intermedia or Minor?

See, I have learnt from my 300 hours of reading about Thalassemia that the most chances of having Thalassemia Major is when both the Parents have the Thalassemia Minor Trait. But in our case, I am with perfectly normal blood (i.e not having any thalassemia) but she has a Thalassemia Major. So exactly how much is the chance of our children (if they ever come) to have any type of Thalassemia.

I hope for a reply as soon as possible, It's not a hurry but anyone reading this post please reply as I want to gain as much knowledge as possible because marriage is a very big lifelong decision.

Thanks to you all in advance.
Take Care all, and God Bless....

Hi Aayush and welcome to the site

Answering your second question, your future children will carry two beta genes. One from you and the other from your future wife. If you have done electrophoresis test and you are sure that you are free from thal therefore your future children will only be carrying the trait (thal minor) as they will have a healthy gene from you and another muted gene from the mother.

As for your first question, I believe that you are the only one who cwn decide. Marriage differs from culture to culture. In some cultures family bonds are very strong even after marriage and if you come from such back ground it will be difficult to hide because this will cause a lot of problems and these problems will hurt her more than you can imagine and you never know how things will proceed

In other open cultures were families are more independent and no influences from parents, the situation will be different. So you are the only person who can weigh the pros and cons.

But personally I believe that you should not hide ( I don't mean that you go and tell everyone on purpose) but   what I am concerned about is that when you hide, this gives you and the people around you that you are doing something wrong or you go hide because you are in a weak situation. I think you should defend your point of view, you should defend what your heart has chosen

What is the difference between a thal patient and a diabetic for example??? Thal is a condition that if dealt with in a proper way, you live a normal life and we have a lot of. Examples her of people who have careers,families and children and doing everything others do

You can ask any body who opposes you, what if I married a super healthy person and after marriage she had an accident for example, are you going to leave her because she is not healthy anymore.

Just a thought and in any situation I wish you all the luck and don't stop asking
Manal

Thank You very much Manal for the fastest reply. I am now clear about the SECOND question that how would be our children. But about the FIRST question I am still a bit confused. I hope people like you will read this and reply to it...

Thanks again.
Aayush

Aayush,

Welcome to the forum.  I am glad that you are thinking all of this through before proceeding with your life.  I can see that you love this girl very much, and being able to see beyond this condition shows how much you care for her.  I know of many thalassemia major patients who are married and are living healthy lives with children and careers. 

Just remember, thalassemia doesn't define anyone - it is just a condition someone lives with - just as Manal has described - a person having asthma or diabetes.  I believe that you can live a happy life together - and your support will give her even more strength to take good care of herself to live a healthy life. 

It is difficult for me to answer your first question but I will try.  As Manal says, if you hide the condition you may relay the message that thalassemia is something to be ashamed of and you may risk adding a negative connotation to it.  On the other hand, it is her personal medical information and you two are entitled to keep it confidential.  The problem I foresee is that more likely than not - your family will one day find out about it and at that time you will need to deal with their reaction.  Whether you choose to have this discussion before or after you marriage is up to you.  If you are 100 percent sure that you are ready to support her (and I am certain she will be a great source of support for you) and be her partner for life then you can make the decision about when you will have the discussion with your family.  If you think that your family knowing before hand will be an impediment to the wedding taking place at all - you can consciously make the choice to have the discussion after.  The important thing is for YOU as her future husband to know everything - and you are taking the right steps to learn. 

When you do talk to your parents you will need to understand that they may react, out of love for you, in a negative way.  Parents want what is best for their children, and if they have a negative reaction chances are it will be out of fear for your future.  If you are patient and give them time to deal with it they will hopefully become a source of support for you and your future wife.  Even if you tell them after your wedding, just be patient with them and give them time to adjust to the news. 


I wish you both the best in whatever you decide.   

Sharmin

hey all..!

im new to this forum too..!
My name is imhal...im from srilanka..!

I have a girlfriend who is a mojr thalassemic..! and we've been living together for 3 years but we dont know if we can have sex! is it safe to have sex with her without marriage?!
im really confused..!

looking for a advise! thankyou!

Hi Imhal123,

Have you been tested to see if you are a thal carrier?